Permission: to be or not to be
My Aunt a strong, powerful and driven woman, was the the matriarch of our family who reflected her essence onto me. Her life was not only her success but something that she shared with her friends and family. Her expansive personality gave me permission to be BIG, to see myself in new ways.
The year I was old enough to fly on a plane my Aunt booked me a flight to Illinois to see her. I felt incredibly important. The minute I stepped off the plane into the jet way my smile widened knowing that she was waiting for me at my terminal gate. She always dressed sharp but not stuffy. Her personality was big and rarely did she hide it.
It was never a surprise to see her chatting it up with some stranger, whom she would then introduce me to when I arrived. “This is my niece, Say,” she’d tell her new friend, “who came all by herself from Portland, Oregon.” The stranger would nod with excitement, mimicking my Aunt’s energy. And I would beam, feeling so loved and seen.
Looking back, I realize how vital my Aunt was to my upbringing. She didn’t have children of her own so my brother and I were it for her. She mirrored many things for me but one in particular stands out the most — she taught me to debate. We’d congregate in the kitchen where we’d have intense conversations about anything and everything.
I’d scooch close to the island bar while she’d peppered me with questions, drawing out my thoughts and ideas about the world and my life in general. She’d be smoking her cigarette close to the exhaust fan above the stove, with a Coors light in her hand as she fired question after question in my direction. We’d talk for hours.
It was not unusual for our conversations to get heated but that didn’t deter her from challenging my thinking. She recognized how articulate I was and she reminded me of that constantly. Unbeknownst to me she brought to light a strength that I possessed.
Who says you can shine?
There are people in our life that give us permission to shine. They can see us. They draw out our strengths and challenge our weaknesses. Intuitively they extend a vision for our lives that we may have never seen without their help. The vision they share is a form of permission to be more than what we realized we could be. They encourage us to say yes to new ways of being.
The question is: do we need others to give us permission to be more or does permission come from within? I believe the answer is two-fold. We need both.
Know Thyself
In times of uncertainty, the best thing to do is to go within for understanding. Taking the time each day to get in touch with your spirit is key to discerning the direction and shape of your journey in this life. It’s a lifelong process that must be attended to in order to tap into your deepest desires. Not only do you uncover elements of your being in new and different ways but you also learn what feels right in your being. Making daily contact with self, whether through meditation, exercise, or creative expression helps to cultivate clarity and knowing.
Carving out space for the self is essential. When you come up against a hard decision in life, it’s you who decides whether or not it’s right for you. You extend permission to yourself to say yes or no to a situation.
But what happens when there is no clarity and all the things that normally work to make that important decision falls flat? Hyper-individualism says that holding tight to autonomy is key. In other words, you don’t need others to help you make decisions. It’s your life.
You may not find yourself in that extreme camp but there is no denying that as Americans we have been inculcated with the old (but oh so relevant) maxim of ‘pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.’ It’s the quintessential model for how Americans are taught to cultivate their lives. In our country, we have a deeply embedded philosophy that our lives are independent of one another, which ultimately fractures communities and keeps us from reaching out to others for support.
American’s have become so independent that we’ve actually developed social disorders from the lack of connection and physical contact. Take what, Kory Floyd, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today, about “skin hunger.” (Ph.D. 2013) He explains that Americans are so deprived of physical touch that they develop ailments like anxiety, depression, and deep loneliness all because they are lacking human contact.
The need for community
Having been spoon fed an ideology of separateness, it’s no wonder that we’re afraid to trust others. It’s hard to fathom. However, in order to embody an enriching and dynamic life we need community — people who inspire us, people who challenge us and people who will walk with us as we grow into our BIG selves. For some the idea of getting permission from another person might feel awkward. Before you go too far down that rabbit hole, let me dissuade you.
There is an alternative philosophy from being separate from one another, it’s called Ubuntu. Ubuntu has its roots in humanist African philosophy, most notably popularized by Nelson Mandela and Archbishop Desmond Tutu who utilized the concept during the apartheid in South Africa. This is how he describes Ubuntu:
“It is the essence of being human. It speaks of the fact that my humanity is caught up and is inextricably bound up in yours. I am human because I belong. It speaks about wholeness, it speaks about compassion. (Historyplex 2018)”
We need one another to experience wholeness. Through our personal exploration into our own humanity we have the opportunity to creatively mirror parts of who we are to others and they act as mirrors for us. This mirroring is not control over the other, it is giving permission for others to be multi-dimensional.
Think about it in relation to a cut diamond. The beauty of a diamond comes from its multifaceted dimensions. Yet, it’s hard to appreciate the depth, coloring, and clarity of a diamond until you shine a light on it. The light does not hit all sides of the diamond at one time, it takes different angles to see just how diverse it is. This too can be said of our personhood: we discover different aspects of our personality when others shine the light on us. Their humanity opens up space for us to see ourselves in a different way.
Be light for yourself and for others
When you get permission from others it’s not about letting just anybody speak into your life, rather it’s about cultivating relationships with people who see you. They know who you are and they can see things that you cannot. Humanity is a complex species. Without people in our lives who can mirror who we are, or reflect things that we don’t see about ourselves, we’d find ourselves as one-dimensional characters — flat, boring and depressed — literally! We need the uniqueness of others to channel our multi-dimensional nature.
I challenge you to not only be a source of light for yourself but also for others. As you dig deep into meditation for your own restoration and stillness, remind yourself that all that work is not just for you alone. We all have something to reflect to one another. It’s merely a matter of letting your light be part of the ever-unfolding journey into inter-connectedness. Find those people who make you BIGGER. There’s lots of them.
